Am I a True Christian or Just a Regular Churchgoer?

I’ve been practicing Christianity since birth but I fully accepted Christ in the early years of my teenage life. But ever since I’ve been living a life that contradicts the true values of my faith, more on that later on.

My parents are both Born Again Christians, some members of our immediate family are of the same faith as well. I was born into a Christian household and that makes my life a little bit stricter and rightfully so. Looking back, my mother did an awesome job of applying Proverbs 22:6 to her way of disciplining me growing up and I can say that it worked, as it should. But despite that, I still managed to sabotage myself by consciously making terrible life decisions.

Growing up, my sins vary from simple to amendable (if that’s a thing) only, but as I was introduced to a world of prevailing wickedness, my eyes have become open to the pleasures of life that oppose the teachings of my faith. This is embarrassing because I grew up in the church as a little kid in the Sunday school to a worship band member and an active Youth member as well. My life on weekdays is the complete opposite of who I am on Sundays.

As the Bible instructs us to live a life close to Christ’s example, I have lived a life of pure contrary. And so I have to ask this question:

Am I a true Christian, the one that the Bible describes, or am I just a regular churchgoer who obliges with the church guidelines? I still have no definite answer.

This is a personal battle and even though I vowed to God to remain faithful in Christ, I struggle to keep a life of righteousness. I value assessment and I cherish criticism, and so it’s safe to say that this is a way of assessing my Christian life and criticizing my faith. I cannot play safe in my Spirituality, that’s not how it should go by. I have to analyze myself if I am being true to my faith or am I just merely a member of a movement. I’ve never had this conversation with myself until a few years back, I’ve always thought that I am doing God’s will by consistently attending to church and participating in its activities.

I remember my previous Youth leader telling one of my co-members to be vigilant as the enemy targets those who are on fire to take them away from Christ as those type of believers is more prone to faith-trembling challenges. I might have experienced that myself and since then, it has been a downside loop for me and I still find it grueling to bring back the fire that I once have. Therefore right now, I am just a regular Christian with mediocre faith, which is scary.

Stuck in a conflict of interest, growing up, I thought that adapting to my environment would make me less of an outcast and that might have affected the way I practiced my faith. I should have not mirrored the world around me. This is why most people are shocked when I tell them that I am a Born Again Christian.

“Ay, weh? Christian ka pala?” they’d ask. It’s humiliating, to say the least.

This might be similar for most Christians and I pray that they find their way back, too. I am not on a backsliding journey, I am still very much on track with my walk of faith but I am taking way too slow in my progress, that’s all. I don’t intend to stop and go elsewhere because I know what’s in store for me when I choose to push myself away from Christ. It’s just hard because I know how sin can take away the joy in serving and I can’t blame anyone but myself.

So to answer my question, yes I am a Christian, but deeply wounded and struggling. But I know God will help me through.

You’ll get by. You can do this!